Holy familyDear Editor, I read with interest the article: MARRIAGE PREPARATION AND THE LITURGY (ML 24:1). GLENN C.J. BYER suggests many interesting ideas for liturgical preparation and mystagogy for married Christians. He accurately observes that many excesses are imposed upon marriage celebrations, and rightly urges that such excesses be avoided. However, I found his comment that "time away from the normal excitement which surrounds the gathering of families would be a great help to the couple" puzzling. Why would this be helpful? Byer neglects to explain. I thought that it was precisely because of the holiness of the family that the church blesses and consecrates marriage. Maybe when families gather to marry two of their members, it would be helpful to the couple to delegate such duties as multiple trips to the airport to shuttle visitors back and forth to some other parties. Aside from avoiding such highly stressful hustle and bustle, why does a couple need to retreat from their families, their "domestic churches of origin," to find sacred time or holy time as they prepare for marriage? Their families have gathered to celebrate with them. Would it not be holy to enjoy their company? Are the only two options for married Christians either the extreme of excessivism or the extreme of a more "monastic" spirituality? As St. Paul so rightly noted many ages ago, the married Christian lives differently than the celibate Christian. The married Christian has many concerns which the celibate Christian can forever avoid. Over these many ages, the church has put a surplus of energy into developing spirituality for celibates. Now, the challenge to the church is to help the married Christian find sacredness in the duties of their daily life. Married Christians need a model of spirituality that is authentically suitable to the life choice that they have made. The church needs to help married Christians be able to say, "Lord, it is good for us to be HERE," not someplace else, all by ourselves, away from the family. Moya McGinn Glenn C.J. Byer responds: MOYA MCGINN has raised a number of questions with regard to the value of retreats in marriage preparation. Her questions seem to revolve around a central issue: What is the value of stepping out of the domestic church setting in the time leading up to the marriage rite? Two other questions seem to be: 1) Should not the couple be in the midst of the family at this time? 2) Is a retreat an appropriate response to important events in the lives of the laity? The first issue is that of stepping out of the domestic church setting in the time leading up to the wedding. At first reading this seems to have more to do with timing than anything else. As part of the immediate preparation, I suggested a retreat sponsored on the parish or local level. My goal in suggesting this was not to place it in the day or so before the wedding, but perhaps a couple of weeks before the event. The days immediately before the celebration already have their liturgical components, such as the rehearsal prayer and the family celebration on the night before the wedding. (Proposals 3 & 4 of the article). Certainly spending the last few hours before the celebration in a retreat setting would be counterproductive. But does this negate the value of a retreat? This revolves around the value a retreat might have. First, it functions in the same way as ritual itself ž ritual removes us from the normal time of our lives and into a structured dialogue concerning things of ultimate significance. In the same way, the retreat would be an opportunity for the couple, and perhaps a number of couples, to step out of the normal succession of moments. They would create a ritual moment, a time for structured dialogue within the couple, and with God. Could this happen in the home? Is a retreat necessary? Not in any absolute sense, of course, but a close reading of the article shows that what is being offered is a service from the parish community, not another demand upon the couple. But what about the wider issue of the appropriateness of retreats for laity? This seems to be at the heart of McGinnžs objections. This caught me a bit off guard, since I work in the midst of a seminary, a place where retreats are required. It never occurred to me to question whether or not they were a good in themselves. So, briefly, let us consider the retreat structure and its value. A retreat usually (in my limited experience) has a series of input sessions accompanied by questions to help motivate prayer (and in this case discussion). The prayer of the hours, as well as the sacraments of reconciliation and Eucharist often complete the picture. I do not think that there is anything in this structure that is foreign to the spirituality of ordinary Christians. I have often heard the complaint of parishioners that there simply is not enough time to pray. The early church called everyone to pray always, not just the clergy or other special groups within the church. The Didache asks everyone to pray the Lordžs Prayer at least three times a day. So too the reforms of Vatican II called for the common prayer of at least the major hours of prayer in parishes. Further I cannot imagine the situation in which time for personal prayer and prayer-inspired dialogue with onežs future spouse would be a bad thing. I think there is a real value in being set apart in order to prepare to minister the sacrament to each other and the community. Spending time focusing upon the role they are taking up and especially the liturgy they are about to celebrate as ministers would be especially beneficial to people who are not often public ministers. In the same way that the presbyter or bishop does not read the Gospel at Eucharist, but rather must listen before he ministers the Word of God, so too the couple needs the time. And yes, quiet time is an important part of this, to hear the word of God before they minister Christ to one another. In conclusion, then, I do see the importance of not separating the couple from the family in the days immediately before the celebration -- it would be as ill-advised as separating the couple from each other in the hours before the celebration -- but I also do see the value of retreats in general, even for the laity. When Christ taught us to pray, part of that was prayer away from the world, as well as prayer in the world and with the world. We should not limit the options for those preparing for marriage on the basis of their provenance, but rather on the basis of their usefulness. Nobody's perfectDear Editor, I read your section on "Phrases that drive us crazy" ("Sharings," ML 24:1) and at first I was amused. But, the more I read on the more I became concerned that it is just this kind of pettiness that keeps us apart at the time when we should be laying aside the trivial and concentrating on the greatest gift of our commonality - - the Liturgy. So many things in life bog us down and we spend so much of life's energy on the truly insignificant. Shame on you ML for giving credence to that which deserves no space in your fine magazine. After all isn't liturgy imperfect men and women striving to gather and give praise to a perfect God? Fr. Dan Sullivan |