ADULT CHILDREN OF DIVORCED PARENTS Making Your Marriage Work Beverly Rodgers and Tom Rodgers Paper, $19.95 184 pages, 6" × 9" ISBN 0-89390-552-6 View Table of Contents View Excerpt Quantity:

In spite of the statistics, your marriage doesn't need to hit the skids just because that's what happened to your parents. But it helps to know what you're up against and learn some tips from people who have been there. In Adult Children of Divorced Parents, family therapists Bev and Tom Rodgers share their own experience growing up in divorced families and how they found success in their own marriage. They discuss how you can heal from four major wounds revolving around trust, fear, insecurity, and the lack of a mentor; then they show you how you to communicate with your spouse and use forgiveness of those in your past to move on to a successful marriage.

"I highly endorse both the speaking and writing of Beverly and Tom Rodgers." — Dr. Les Parrott, author of Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts
 

About the Authors

Twenty-year veteran marriage counselors and trainers Beverly and Tom Rodgers have developed techniques that enhance communication, promote empathy, foster forgiveness, and build an intimacy that heals the soul. They facilitate Soul Healers workshops for both couples and singles, and they train pastors and counselors to use their techniques. They are the authors of Soul-Healing Love and How to Find Mr. or Ms. Right.

Introduction

Chapter 1. The Wounding of America through Divorce

Chapter 2. Awareness: Bev's Story

Chapter 3. Dealing With Pain: Tom's Story

Chapter 4. The Inability-to-Trust Wound

Chapter 5. The Fear Wound

Chapter 6. The Insecurity Wound

Chapter 7. The Inability-to-Communicate Wound

Chapter 8. Social Structure Wounds

Chapter 9. Healing through Problem Solving

Chapter 10. Healing through Forgiveness

Chapter 11. Critics, Questions, and Comments

Epilogue

Bibliography
 

Following is the introduction from Adult Children of Divorced Parents: Making Your Marriage Work. All rights reserved. Copyright © 2002 Resource Publications.

Introduction

It has been statistically proven that adult children of divorced parents have a high rate of divorce in their own marriages. Studies also show that they are at risk in other areas of life as well. Adult children of divorce, whom we fondly refer to as ACODPs, suffer more from depression and anxiety, have lower self-esteem, and tend to tolerate or exhibit more abuse and neglect in their relationships. These statistics have plagued Tom and I both consciously and unconsciously for years because we are adult children of divorced parents. We both came from broken homes.

We have always hated that term--broken home. It sounds so negative, so damaged. We now realize that we hated the term because it lives up to its name. After our parents' divorces we felt that not only were our families broken, but something inside of us was broken as well. Years later, when we met in college, we shared our feelings about our broken families with each other. Looking back, we realized that one of the reasons that we were attracted to each other was that we understood so much of each other's insecurity and pain, because we had experienced it in our own families.

We know firsthand about the specific problems that plague adult children of divorced parents, which contribute to their high divorce rate, problems with their self-concept, problems with their performance, and problems with their ability to do relationships successfully. The new millennium has brought a great deal of literature about the problems of ACODPs. Judith Wallerstein's book, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce is one of the main catalysts. In her research she followed a group of children from affluent Marin County, near San Francisco, whose parents were divorced. She continued to interview her subjects long into adulthood. Her findings were unexpected, thus the title of her book. She unexpectedly found that children were plagued by their parents' divorce many years after the divorce took place, even as adults with families of their own.

The finding was unexpected because the common belief of the last few decades has been that while divorce may have a negative affect on young children, when these children become adults, the negative effects will disappear. Wallerstein's case studies revealed that this was not the case. She found that children of divorced parents struggle with many difficult issues long into adulthood. Many of their issues centered around their inability to develop healthy relationships. Most of Wallerstein's subjects were consciously aware of the negative effects of their parents' divorce. But with many ACODPs the affects are often unconscious, leaving them frustrated and confused as to why they respond to certain situations in destructive or unhealthy ways.

Because we are both adult children of divorced parents, or ACODPs, this information has a special meaning for us. We resonated with Wallerstein's case examples. They were much like our own. We have struggled with many of these issues in our marriage. As marital and family therapists, we also help many ACODPs deal with their relationship issues as well. We share their struggles and triumphs. Our goal is not to blame or shame parents who divorce, including our own. We would rather spend our energy encouraging couples to learn the skills they need to stay married for a lifetime. With the divorce rate cresting over fifty percent in recent years, this can be a difficult task.

We are not alone in our effort to support marriages. One side effect of the high divorce rate in our nation is that there are many good promarriage movements being formed. Marriage skills training groups are sprouting up all over the country. Promarriage legislation is being implemented at both the state and national levels. More and more couples are seeking help for their relationships from therapists, mentors, and the clergy. It seems that marriage is becoming fashionable again.

An offshoot of the marriage movement is that there are many great online resources for marriage. We receive an online newsletter from The Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education. This organization sponsors the yearly Smart Marriages conference in which renowned speakers on marriage and family life present programs and ideas that strengthen marriages and families. Recently, the online newsletter was sharing a review of Judith Wallerstein's book. Since the book was published there has been a great deal of controversy about her findings. Many thought that her research methodology was not rigorous enough. Some thought that her sample size was too small. She was criticized for using composite case examples rather than actual data. We e-mailed a letter to the CMFCE Newsletter showing our support for Dr. Wallerstein. Later the e-mail was published in the newsletter so other readers could respond. We want to share a copy of this letter with you.

With all of the public dispute about Wallerstein's research methods, we believe in the merits of her findings.  My husband Tom and I, both children of divorce, have tried to follow her as she makes appearances with some of the skeptical talk show terrorists (we mean interviewers). We applaud her, at seventy-eight years of age, for doing something to make a mark for children. Most women her age would be playing bridge or golf. We were two children whose parents could have benefited from her advice. The following is a story about children of divorce that might interest readers. There is a couple we know very well who could have been participants in Wallerstein's study. The wife was a child of a very verbally and physically abusive home. It was a regular occurrence for her to see her parents go to blows with each other over issues like money, in-laws, and children. Frequently the abuse would spill over onto her, especially if she tried to stop the fighting. Even though the marital storms raged constantly in her home, the last thing she wanted was for her parents to divorce. She wanted them to get help and work things out rather than give up.

When she was five years old a terrible blow hit. Her parents announced that they were divorcing. Even though the divorce ended the daily battles, it seemed to bring on a new kind of pain. It wasn't the financial stress of having less money, though this was hard, nor the stigma of growing up in the 1950s as one of the few children living in a single-parent home. It was the loneliness and pain of realizing that the two people she loved the most could not live together, causing her family to be destroyed.

She and her siblings could have been poster children for Wallerstein's findings. Her older brother turned to drugs, her sister suffered with depression and a suicide attempt, and her lost younger brother struggled in school and with low self-esteem. By all accounts everyone would say that she faired the best through the divorce, graduating at the top of her class in high school, college, and even graduate school--busying herself with overachievement to push away the pain of her broken home. She was much like the hero, Karen, in Wallerstein's study.

It would stand to reason that marriage would be difficult for her and, in true unconscious style, she married a man whose parents were divorced as well. The two felt at home understanding each other's woundedness and empathizing with each other's plights. As expected, they have had their struggles. Both started out marriage with more than an average fear of abandonment. Both were insecure and untrusting. Both knew that they had no parental mentors, helpers, or examples of a commitment like their many friends who came from intact families. They were jealous of these friends and angry that they started their marital journey with so many handicaps that resulted from their parents' respective divorces.

The good news is that, because of their parents' divorces, and almost in spite of them, they have worked very hard to make their marriage work for the last twenty-five years. They defied the statistics that indicate that children of divorce have a higher divorce rate. By all accounts, they look like a successful couple. They have successful careers, a twenty-five-year strong marriage and two healthy, happy children. So what about them? Are they unscathed? Couldn't we use them in a study on resilience to counter Wallerstein's findings? Don't they prove what divorce supporters are saying--that kids are hearty and can do just fine after their parents divorce?

No, indeed, we could not. Because even though these two wounded souls have survived their families disintegration for more than three decades, there is not a day that goes by, a holiday, a birthday, a special event that they do not wish that their parents could have made it work. The hollowness of having a fractured family haunts them both. Oh, they look resilient and successful, but there is no doubt in their minds that life would have been so much better if their parents had given them the legacy of a healthy intact family.

The reason we know this couple so well is because we are this couple. This is the story of us. We have often said that we became marriage counselors and educators to prevent children from feeling the pain we felt. It frustrates us to hear Wallerstein's opponents say that divorce will not negatively affect children; that they are strong and sturdy and can survive. From the strongest to the weakest, children suffer when their parents divorce.

When we meet couples who are contemplating terminating their marriage we want them to know about the alarming negative statistics about children of divorce. We encourage them to get all of the help they can, in hopes that they will think long and hard about their decision. We hope that by giving them cause for pause, they will do whatever they can to learn the skills to build a successful marriage, in order to spare their children some of these plights.

After writing this e-mail, we left town for several days on a speaking tour, and when we returned home, we were surprised to find at least thirty e-mails from people who read our story and wanted to respond. Many of them strongly identified with us and shared their own stories. Some expressed appreciation for our courage, honesty, and openness. This was very encouraging to us because telling our story, even years later, left us feeling somewhat vulnerable and raw. We were grateful for their support.

Some people offered dissenting views, feeling that maybe divorce is getting a bad rap, and that many of the feelings we expressed in our story could easily be attributed to other childhood issues such as violence, abuse, and poor parental communication. They argued that divorce may have even been necessary because of the violence that occurred in Bev's family. All of these points have merit. But having lived through our family struggles, it would be hard to convince us that we would not be better off in many ways if our parents had stayed married to each other. We feel passionately that much of the mistrust, fear, and insecurity we brought into our marriage came from our parents' divorces. That is not to say that adult children of other types of dysfunctional homes do not suffer from some of these same maladies. We are merely stating that we do. Just admitting that helps us. This declaration helps us clarify ourselves and motivates us to work harder on our relationship.

In The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce Wallerstein wrote, "Divorce may liberate parents but it traps their sons and daughters for years. It is a river they have to cross that other kids don't have to. And they've got to find out how to do it. They're going to ford that river, or build a bridge over it, learn to swim or drown."

As ACODPs, our marriage was drowning and we didn't know why. We were studying to be marriage counselors, learning all the tricks of the trade, and were continually haunted by insecurities and fears that thwarted our marital contentment. Acknowledging the wounds we secretly tried to repress and attaching these wounds to the dissolution of our parents' marriages gave us insight into the dysfunctional relational patterns that haunted us as newlyweds.

We were wounded. The demise of our parents' marriage scared us in much the same way that it scares ACODPs today. In our excess baggage we drug around fear, insecurity, anger, which led to low self-esteem, poor communication skills, and a lack of conflict resolution abilities. We had no parental role models to look to or close family mentors to guide us. We were sailing on the sea of marriage with very poor navigational skills. Just realizing this put words and reason to our pain. This language brought understanding and, with understanding, hope.

From this hope sprang an awareness that we were going to consciously combat the demons ACODPs possess. We vowed to learn skills, communication tools, and techniques to build a healthy marriage. It worked and has continued to work for the past twenty-five years. We share this not to set ourselves up as successful role models but rather to point to our many failures and attempts to pick ourselves up and paste our marriage back together, and forge ahead. We feel that if we can do it, anyone can.

Now we have the privilege of helping other struggling ACODPs navigate the vast sea of marriage. We teach them what we have learned, and as always, they teach us. This volume is dedicated to them. It will include our story, complete with marital successes and failures. We will also share real-life case examples of couples who have honored us as our clients. Their names have been changed to protect their privacy, but their messages are potent nonetheless.

Many of you may ask, "But what if your parents' divorce was actually a good thing? What if they were in constant conflict or there was violence present?" Maybe you even wanted them to end their bad marriage to keep the peace or to simply stop the pain in your home. Some of you knew that your parents were miserable and you just wanted them to end their suffering. This is true with many of the people we see in counseling. They felt that their parents' marriage was dead, and they just wanted them to bury it and get on with their lives. Some of you may be divorced yourselves and feel guilty just reading a book like this that talks about the negative effects this has had on your own children. Sometimes divorce happens even to good people, even to people who try to prevent it. The purpose of this book is not to induce guilt or to blame parents who divorce. Its purpose is to help all children of divorce understand its effects, and learn to deal with these effects in a healthy way.

We do not want to debate the cause and effect of divorce, nor do we want to argue if these ill effects could have come as a result of other dysfunctions in the family system. Arguing about this is a waste of time. Learning what we can do to build strong marriages makes better sense. We simply want to point out the obvious--divorce hurts children. As a result, parents should do everything possible to become healthy and heal their marriage. Staying together and trying to work out the struggles in an unfulfilling marriage sounds like torture, but researchers Maggie Gallagher and Linda Waite reported in their book, A Case for Marriage, that even bad marriages improve over time. They found that 86 percent of unhappily married couples who stuck it out saw that, five years later, their marriages were happier. Their conclusion is that a bad marriage is not a fixed fact. They define bad marriages not as those containing abuse and violence but rather those that have ordinary woes. They found that if these marriages did not end in divorce, they actually improved over time. Just as good marriages go bad, bad marriages can go good, if you hang in there.

All married couples can benefit from learning how to communicate effectively, resolve conflict, and build intimacy, and the purpose of this book is to show every couple how. Contrary to what many people believe, even volatile couples can learn to have healthy relationships if they will learn the skills to do so. Marriage is hard work, pure and simple, and all couples can benefit from learning how to do this hard work.

Our goal in this book is to teach ACODPs how to overcome the legacy given them by their parents' divorce, to teach them how to have a healthy, successful, lasting marriage in spite of the wounds that occurred in their lives as a result of their family's dissolution. It is to teach them how to beat the odds against them in marriage.

If you are an ACODP or are married to one, or if you just want to learn more about building a healthy marriage, read on. You will learn how to build a bridge of awareness about how your woundedness affects your marriage, how to successfully swim the channel of marital conflict, and to ford the river of dyadic communication. As we learn from each other's mistakes and are shored up by each other's triumphs, together we as ACODPs can save each other from drowning. We can all cross Wallerstein's metaphorical river together with the hope that our destiny will be quite different from our parents. Together we can beat the odds. God bless you in your journey to the other side.