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PEACEFUL PARENTING HANDBOOK, THE
Burt Berlowe, Dr. Elizabeth Lonning, and Dr. Joseph Cress Paper, $18.95 160 pages, 5½" × 8½" ISBN 0-89390-513-5 View Table of Contents View Excerpt |
The Peaceful Parenting Handbook is an easy-to-use reference book designed to build parents’ confidence and help them create peaceful families. Unlike many experts, the authors assume there is no one right way to raise a child. Their book enables parents to find the problem — from fighting with a sibling to refusal to help with household chores — and then select the approach that suits their style. The authors also encourage parents to choose the approach that will work best for a particular child. Parents will be thrilled to find so many different non-violent but effective ways to discipline their children.
Review
“I have found that no one theory or approach works with [every
single] child — and this
book provides an encyclopedia of answers.”
— Rebecca S. Morgan, Ph.D., child psychologist
About the Authors
Dr. Burt Berlowe is a professional writer and Minneapolis community activist specializing in parent education. After receiving his journalism degree from the University of Arizona, he worked as a reporter and editor for metropolitan and neighborhood newspapers. He has written four books, including Peaceful Parenting in a Violent World.
Dr. Elizabeth Lonning is a clinical psychologist with a family-counseling practice in Davenport, Iowa. An adult adoptee, she is also active in the adoption field. She received advanced degrees in counseling and psychology from South Dakota State University and the University of Northern Colorado.
Dr. Joseph Cress, a clinical psychologist in the Davenport area, is consulting psychologist for the Council on Children at Risk. He received his advanced degrees in clinical psychology from Southern Illinois University.
Table of Contents
Dedication
Acknowledgements
And How are the Children?
Chapter 1: Patterns of Daily Living
Chapter 2: Interpersonal Relationship Problems
Chapter 3: Minding and Cooperation
Chapter 4: Bad Habits
Chapter 5: Drugs, Sex, and Violence
Chapter 6: Emotional Problems
Chapter 7: Problems of Immaturity
Chapter 8: School-Related Problems
Chapter 9: Afterword: Beyond Discipline
Following is an excerpt from The Peaceful Parenting Handbook. Copyright © 2000, Resource Publications, Inc.
Chapter 1: Patterns of Daily Living
Getting up
For many families, each day starts with stress. When it’s time for children to get up, parents become tense and agitated as they anticipate conflicts. Some children don’t get up after being called repeatedly. Or they stay in bed until the last possible minute. Meanwhile, parents fear the children will be late for school or church.
Depending on the circumstances surrounding problems with accomplishing daily tasks, these suggestions may help.
1. Ignore bad behavior.
Examine your response to the getting-up process. Some parents unwittingly award privileges or treats to children who are tardy. For example, instead of having children prepare their own breakfasts, parents may do it for them. This kind of attention may only encourage a child’s bad habits.
Instead, parents should remove the reward. Let children make their own breakfasts, dress themselves or face the consequences of arriving late at school. If these problems are handled in this way, the procrastination will eventually subside.
2. Reward the right behavior.
If a child gets up on time, then think about a reward. Material rewards, like a special breakfast treat, may help to get started. But it’s important to be generous with social awards, such as praise and encouragement.
3. Allow for natural consequences.
For school-aged children, getting up is their responsibility, not their parents.’ Children can be taught to use an alarm clock, and can help decide how much time to allow for washing, dressing, and eating in order to get to school on time.
If children oversleep, they then face natural consequences — missing breakfast, dressing hurriedly, or walking instead of riding the bus to school. In using this approach, ask teachers or school officials for their support.
4. Go on strike.
With adolescents, parents should stay away from the morning ritual, remaining out of sight until the child has left for school. That way, the child has full responsibility for getting up, dressing, eating breakfast, and making it to school with lunch, books, and money in hand.
5. Rehearse.
If children aren’t in the habit of the morning routine, practice it during the day. Working together, a parent and child can set the alarm clock to ring in a minute or two. When the alarm goes off, the youngster shuts it off, gets up, and dresses. A variation of this strategy could be setting up the morning or bedtime routine or ritual like a relay race or an obstacle course. Younger children will find this a fun way to do tasks that are typically thought of as mundane or a hassle. Set up this strategy so that the tasks are thorough enough for the parents yet enjoyable for the children.
6. Watch for game-playing.
The most elaborate plans for helping children assume responsibility for getting up on time can be sabotaged. For example, the child’s brother or sister may slip into the room and awaken them after the alarm has been turned off. When this happens, the child wins, and nothing is learned.
7. Use conflict resolution techniques.
With older, more verbal children, various forms of conflict resolution can be of benefit. Allow children to suggest some solutions to the problem. These might shed light on their feelings about getting up late.
8. Respond empathetically.
Getting up in the morning is difficult for most people, and particularly for children. Youngsters find it hard to be alert and energetic at that time and are often grouchy. When that occurs, parents should focus their response on the child’s feelings rather than angrily decrying the procrastination. Such comments as, "Boy, it’s really hard to get up in the morning, isn’t it,” or “Isn’t it great just to lie in bed and dream?” can help create a bond of warmth and intimacy between parent and child.
9. Routines.
Children who have difficulty getting up on time in the morning may benefit from an established routine throughout the week, including on the weekend. This means going to bed and getting up at the same time on Saturday and Sunday as during the week.
10. Check out hidden conflicts.
Children who fail to get up on time may be attempting to avoid something unpleasant, either at home, on the way to school, or at school. Some children are teased and hassled on the bus. Others have conflicts with certain instructors. Sometimes they want to avoid an aversive social situation. These conflicts must be checked out and dealt with.
11. Weed out the distractions.
Many activities interfere with children falling asleep in a timely manner. They may have a radio or TV in their bedroom and don’t turn it off until late at night. They may be listening to music past the curfew. Many teens like to chat on the phone with their friends until the wee hours of the morning. If there are distractions, they need to be eliminated to solve the morning rising problems.
12. Attach a penalty.
Children may have to get up earlier the next morning following a late rising. For example, if normal wake-up time is 7:00 a.m. but the children don’t get up until 7:30 a.m., they might be told that the next morning they have to get up at 6:30 a.m. If they’re 15 minutes late, then they have to only get up 15 minutes earlier the following morning.